As the season progresses, I will revisit this list regularly to revise my grades and weigh in on additional programs. Keep up-to-date with me by simply clicking the link for TVScores Fall 2006, found under Score Stuff in the righthand sidebar.

Instead of suspending my disbelief in order to “buy” Heche as Frist, someone whose career success is 100 percent dependent upon her ability to accurately analyze the dynamics of male-female interactions, I found myself simply nitpicking the details of her performance that confirmed my prior belief that Heche probably knows as little about making a romantic relationship work as the next person, if not less. Why ABC execs didn’t see such a state of affairs coming is anyone’s best guess, but somebody in their ranks should have at least understood beforehand why Heche might have been miscast in the starring role.

The pilot of Men in Trees introduces the Frist character as a popular author of relationship advice books that focus on empowering women to take the lead in their own lives by becoming less reliant on men to supply the direction, stability, and happiness they crave. Her witty refrains and quotable prose lose quite a bit of their effectiveness after Frist, on her way to a remote Northern Exposure-ish town in Alaska to promote her second publication while in the midst of eager wedding plans, inadvertently discovers that her fiancé is cheating on her with another woman she knows.

There goes the wedding, of course, because a woman who tells other people how to conduct their relationships for a living cannot possibly walk down the aisle when she couldn’t even foresee the troubles in her own personal life. To make matters worse, Frist’s Alaskan destination turns out to be a man hunter’s mecca, with ten men for every one woman—exactly what she doesn’t need after her most recent marriage disappointment. The irony is not lost on our heroine, particularly when it is compounded by her repeated inability to get out of the forsaken place due to a lack of regular, reliable transportation. Good for her, then, that the she eventually succumbs to the sheer beauty of the back-to-nature surroundings and decides to stay for a time among the town’s quirky denizens, mostly men though they are.

Whether audiences will likewise stick around for Men in Trees is another question all together. The series debuted Tuesday night at 10:02 in a preview slot. This Friday, a night that historically draws fewer viewers overall, it moves to its regular 9pm slot (after a repeat of the pilot at 8pm). CBS has had the most success of late in this difficult prime-time period with the one-two-three punch of the supernatural Ghost Whisperer, starring fan favorite Jennifer Love Hewitt, the female-centric legal drama Close to Home, and the hit crime drama Numbers. As the network’s lineup amply demonstrates, viewers tend to gravitate more towards shows that deliver a dramatic wallop, when they watch TV on Friday nights at all. Can a romantic dramedy about a know-it-all giver of advice—even if she weren’t portrayed by Heche—and the peculiar people who inspire her fare well under such circumstances? Only time and the Nielsen ratings will tell; but unlike men and women trying to make their relationships work, the numbers won’t lie.

The Verdict: B

Men in Trees currently airs Fridays at 9pm EST on ABC

Men in Trees photo courtesy of ABC

Nothing is better than the ability to watch such quality and highly interesting detective shows for free, as opposed to shelling out extra dough for cable channel BBC America, which airs similar fare sporadically. So while everyone else who follows television is getting excited about the slew of fall shows debuting or returning in the following weeks, yours truly is beside herself with joy over the latest four installments of the compelling Inspector Lynley Mysteries beginning on PBS tonight. It sure is going to be good reuniting with dapper Detective Inspector Thomas Lynley (Nathaniel Parker) and his headstrong partner, Detective Sergeant Barbara Havers (Sharon Small).

The Inspector Lynley Mysteries, adapted from the bestselling novels of American author Elizabeth George, follow the personal and professional circumstances of Inspector Lynley and Sergeant Havers as they solve crimes out of Scotland Yard. Their relationship is an often contentious affair that has matured and strengthened somewhat over the years, despite their extremely different backgrounds and frequent antagonistic disagreements. Lynley is a man of good breeding, in the classic British nobility sense (he’s the eighth Earl of Asherton), while Havers is unmistakably working class in every respect, from her demeanor to her outlook. Originally partnered because no one else wanted to work with either of them, the two could not be more distinct yet still oddly alike.

The end of the previous season saw Havers’ career in jeopardy after she was shot on the job and Lynley facing separation not only from his partner, but his longtime love and wife, Helen (Emma Fielding), as well. Fresh tales of intrigue will explore the ramifications of those developments as the newest four 90-minute, commercial-free episodes, all of which originally aired in the United Kingdom during March and April 2005, unfold on four consecutive Sundays, from September 10 to October 1. If you already identify as a fan of British detective shows or simply seek a change of pace in your viewing habits, the forthcoming Inspector Lynley Mysteries could very well be just the type of must-see TV you need.

Schedule*

• Sunday, September 10: In Divine Proportion
• Sunday, September 17: In the Guise of Death
• Sunday, September 24: The Seed of Cunning
• Sunday, October 1: The Word of God

*All PBS times may vary—Check your local listings to verify them

Inspector Lynley Mysteries photo courtesy of the BBC

As a result, MyNetworkTV is currently offering two prime-time soap operas with a distinctly novela twist—defined by a plot with a distinct beginning, middle, and end (not the open-ended, ongoing storylines that American soaps have historically had), they will air six nights a week over the course of thirteen weeks, with no repeats (except for same-night replays in some markets), for a total of 65 sudsy episodes, not counting the hour-long Saturday weekly recaps. And when they finish in December, two new titles will immediately follow: Art of Betrayal, starring Rescue Me‘s Tatum O’Neal, and Watch Over Me, with Catherine Oxenberg, Casper Van Dien, and former Miss Universe Dayanara Torres. Both of the present series are based on previous Spanish-language telenovelas, as well: Desire is adapted from Colombia’s Mesa para tres (Table for Three) and Fashion House from Salir de noche (Out in the Night), a popular telenovela two decades ago.

The first of the two debut soaps is Desire, an unexpectedly interesting treat about the young, good-looking (of course!) Thomas brothers, chef Alex (Zack Silva) and manager Louis (Nate Haden), who both work in the restaurant business and both fall in love with the same woman. The opening scenes in New Jersey introduce them near the opening of their own restaurant. Deceptively clean-cut older brother Louis, who looks like a well-mannered businessman, makes the deadly decision to bed the nubile daughter of a Mafioso (Chris DeRose) hellbent on maintaining her good reputation. When the gangster learns from his henchmen that the two are together one night, things get dangerous quickly, forcing the brothers to flee to California with their mother (Eliana Alexander) after their restaurant is burned down. There, they begin working in another upscale food establishment where, unbeknownst to them, their father is also employed. They each stumble upon the owner’s pretty and independent daughter, Andrea Zavatti (Michelle Belegrin), during their first day on the job helping out at her birthday party and immediately declare their love.

What most makes Desire appealing is the natural, melodrama-free performances of the three lead actors, Belegrin, Haden, and Silva, in addition to the sense of urgency imparted by the fact that the Mafia man back in New Jersey not only knows the Thomas family survived the restaurant fire, but now believes that Louis raped his daughter after she lied to protect herself from his rabid anger. Another asset is the presence of CSI: Miami alumna Sofia Milos (she played Detective Yelina Salas, the wife of Horatio Caine’s absent brother, from 2003 to 2005) as the scheming sister of Andrea’s scheming ex-boyfriend. How the story will unfold is truly anyone’s best guess, and if I had the time and urge to watch a daily soap opera, whether daytime or prime time, this one would definitely be it.

Fashion House initially seems to have two things going for it, as well—namely, the headliners, Bo Derek and Morgan Fairchild. Yet, in spite of Derek’s definitive presence in the premiere episode, the show never came anywhere near the compelling level of Desire. A large part of the problem is that, with the exception of model-actress Natalie Martinez’ engaging portrayal of the talented-but-desperate housewife Michelle Miller, who is married to an overbearing, cheating accountant named Lance (Mike Begovich), the acting and plotlines in the soap seem more tailored to cheesiness than provocativeness.

Derek plays Maria Gianni, the no-nonsense matriarch of Gianni, Inc., a well-known and seemingly successful fashion company. As we learn over the course of the first episode, however, things aren’t as rosy in her business as she would have others believe. Aside from financial problems, she has to cope with an unproductive artist son, Luke (Taylor Kinney), and a conniving blackmailer threatening to steal her business right from under her. Fairchild was absent from the premiere, but will make her grand entrance later as a bitter rival who is comparably ruthless and—dare I say?—bitchy.

Filled with familiar clichéd dialogue along the lines of “You’re such a bitch/Takes one to know one,” and with the promise of scores of petulant face slaps hanging tackily in the air, Fashion House comes across as downright corny and amateurish in comparison to Desire … and most other soaps. All is good if you like your sudsers high on the immature froth and low on the adult drama, but I’ll take Desire over Fashion House any day, divas be damned.

The Verdict: Desire gets a B for actually being interesting, while Fashion House merits a C, despite the welcome presence of Natalie Martinez

Desire currently airs Monday through Friday at 8pm EST and Fashion House at 9pm EST on MyNetworkTV, with weekly recaps on Saturday at the same times

Desire and Fashion House photos courtesy of MyNetworkTV

The Fox show’s setup is devised to be deceptively simple in order to hook viewers with the complex developments necessary to stretch the thin plot out for an entire season. The basic storyline concerns Sara Collins (Joanne Kelly), the pretty, young, do-gooder second wife of Georgia Senator Jeffrey Collins (John Allen Nelson), who goes missing from the hotel benefit being held in her honor to recognize her charitable work for education. In full view of anyone who bothers to look, including her husband, Sara is escorted from her table by a goateed concierge who claims she has an urgent call on the house telephone. The senator soon realizes his wife has not returned and starts looking for her, at which time an actual hotel employee reveals that facial hair is banned among staff. This is among the first of several very obvious clues that something hinky is underway.

The FBI is then immediately summoned to investigate because senators and other politicians are very important people, of course. Flashbacks provide a bit of crucial background on the lead agent, Graham Kelton (Gale Harold, Deadwood‘s Wyatt Earp), an adept and serious investigator who nonetheless found himself the target of negative scrutiny after the kidnapping of a 12-year-old boy went horrifically wrong, leading to the literal blowing up of the child. If the series had focused on this truly interesting case and made Sara Collins’ humdrum disappearance the backstory instead, Vanished would be much more appealing.

As it is, we meet the various additional players one by one, in assorted scenarios that are supposed to establish definitive identities for the characters, but actually only reveal how cookie-cutter and vapid most of them are, especially when it comes to the vanished subject herself and every other member of the senator’s family. For instance, who’s surprised that one of the senator’s children is involved with someone from the wrong side of the tracks who might be involved in Sara Collins’ disappearance? What would be really amazing is if this type of formulaic character did not figure in the plot.

No matter how perpetually underused, it’s always nice to see Ming-Na (ER), who plays Lin Mei, Kelton’s equally capable partner. Rebecca Gayheart (Dead Like Me) also does a good job as the intentionally irritating, eager-beaver reporter Judy Nash. The same, however, cannot be said of any of the actors who portray the senator’s family members, all of whom come across as dull, generic, and stereotypical relatives of a crime victim slyly trying to hide buried secrets from prying eyes. How many times have we seen similar deceitful behavior on television before? Too many times to count, and there’s no drama or suspense in it anywhere here.

Viewers who chose to continue watching are promised more obtuse mysteries along the way that are supposed to ultimately disclose all kinds of conspiracies and shenanigans, such as the predictable possibility that Sara Collins may not even be Sara Collins. The ride shouldn’t be too painful given the large amount of acting talent in the cast, ranging from film actress Penelope Ann Miller as the senator’s suspicious ex-wife (hopefully, she’ll add some much-needed zest to the boring senator subplot) to TV veterans Esai Morales (NYPD Blue) and Eddie Cibrian (Invasion, Third Watch) as fellow FBI agents. I wish Vanished well attempting to cultivate a successful full-season series out of what has aired thus far, but the material in the initial two episodes doesn’t engender much optimism.

The Verdict: C

Vanished currently airs Mondays at 9pm EST on Fox

Vanished photo courtesy of Fox and Frank Ockenfels

In the premiere episode, viewers are introduced to each as they ply their trade and attempt to make thousands of dollars in commission on the sale of a single home. Both encounter several obstacles along the way that endanger their efforts, thereby giving rise to what would normally be called dramatic tension if only the audience cared what happened one way or the other. Hildebrand experiences the pangs of representing a seller who decides to accept a second deal after a prior preliminary deal has already been struck with an eager buyer, while McLeod is forced to cope with the tension and potential repercussions—not the least of which is the loss of a $100,000+ commission—of representing both the seller (who happens to be her recent and still emotionally-attached ex-fiancé) and the buyer in a real-estate transaction, a practice that is illegal in most states besides California. Interspersed throughout the scenes are screen tips designed to clarify the significance of certain terms and minutiae that presumably dimwitted viewers would otherwise not comprehend.

Will each homeowner manage to sale their overpriced property that the majority of Americans couldn’t even afford in their wildest, most demented dreams and make an obscenely large profit? Does anyone who doesn’t already have a gazillion bucks in the bank or an equivalent-sized trust fund care? Aside from the curious incident of the buxom broad who shows up at McLeod’s first open house although she and her husband just closed on a house down the street, the premiere episode of Million Dollar Listing doesn’t even have enough spark to light a cigarette. Moreover, unlike some so-bad-they’re-actually-good reality shows, it’s not enjoyable for the sake of trashiness alone because the main players and the situations we see them in are minimally entertaining, and what little drama emerges is gauze-thin.

Whether or not this series works boils down to one question: would you chose either of the real-estate agents featured to represent you if you had a pricey home in need of selling or if you wanted to buy one? The answer is an unmistakable, “No,” on both counts for me after watching the pilot, and so is my opinion on whether this series is worth anyone’s but the most diehard real-estate groupie’s time.

The Verdict: D

Million Dollar Listing currently airs Tuesdays at 9pm EST on Bravo

Million Dollar Listing photo courtesy of Bravo

58th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards Picks

Outstanding Comedy Series

• Arrested Development
• Curb Your Enthusiasm
• The Office
• Scrubs
• Two and a Half Men
• I pick either The Office or Scrubs, both NBC prime offerings, because they make me laugh, goshdarnit!
• They’ll probably pick Arrested Development because a lot of people seem to think it was given the boot unjustly and deserved both more time and better ratings (the show was an uneven experience for me—sometimes funny, sometimes ridiculous in a not-good way).

Outstanding Drama Series

• 24
• Grey’s Anatomy
• House M.D.
• The Sopranos
• The West Wing
• I pick 24 because it’s so darn captivating (but I wouldn’t mind if misanthropic House M.D. won to get props for its inexplicably non-nominated star, Hugh Laurie).
• They’ll probably pick the recently departed West Wing for sentimental reasons, which is okay since the series did have a fine final season.

Outstanding Made for Television Movie

• Flight 93
• The Flight That Fought Back
• The Girl in the Café
• Mrs. Harris
• Yesterday
• The near-native New Yorker in me picks either of the Flight telefilms about United Airlines Flight 93 for obvious reasons.
• They’ll probably pick one of the Flight telefilms about United Airlines Flight 93 for obvious reasons.

Outstanding Miniseries

• Bleak House
• Elizabeth I
• Into the West
• Sleeper Cell
• Ouch—this one is too hard. I pick Bleak House because my X-Files girl Gillian Anderson was terrific, along with all of her fellow castmates. I also pick Elizabeth I because Helen Mirren is my favorite actress, and nothing she’s in can do wrong. I pick Into the West, too, because the sprawling tale of early America was simply gorgeous. I pick Sleeper Cell, as well, since the terrorist-next-door theme was downright scary, especially as acted by the sensational cast.
• They’ll pick one of the ones I pick because all four nominees would make excellent winners.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

• Steve Carell for The Office
• Larry David for Curb Your Enthusiasm
• Kevin James for The King of Queens
• Tony Shalhoub for Monk
• Charlie Sheen for Two and a Half Men
• I pick Steve Carell because who can resist a 40-Year-Old Virgin?
• They’ll probably pick either Carell or Tony Shalhoub, but I wouldn’t be all that surprised if Charlie Sheen scored with the Academy since his dad Martin is in the spotlight, too, with the West Wing nominations.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series

• Peter Krause for Six Feet Under
• Denis Leary for Rescue Me
• Christopher Meloni for Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
• Martin Sheen for The West Wing
• Kiefer Sutherland for 24
• Judging by mass popularity alone, you probably say Kiefer Sutherland, but I say Denis Leary, the multi-talented star of the suh-mokin’ Rescue Me.
• They’ll probably go with the flow and say Sutherland, but wouldn’t it be cute if Martin Sheen scooped up this one and his boy Charlie the one for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series?

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

• Andre Braugher for Thief
• Charles Dance for Bleak House
• Ben Kingsley for Mrs. Harris
• Donald Sutherland for Human Trafficking
• Jon Voight for Pope John Paul II
• Is there really a choice here? I pick Andre Braugher because although Thief was canceled, it wasn’t his fault—the man has never given a subpar performance.
• They’ll probably pick Jon Voight because he portrayed the Pope, like, duh.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

• Stockard Channing for Out of Practice
• Jane Kaczmarek for Malcolm in the Middle
• Lisa Kudrow for The Comeback
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus for The New Adventures of Old Christine
• Debra Messing for Will & Grace
• If there’s one category where I really don’t care who wins, this one is it. If my life depended on picking someone, anyone, however, I’d go for Julia Louis-Dreyfus merely because The New Adventures of Old Christine rose above initial so-so reviews to ace the ratings big time.
• They’ll probably pick Debra Messing because Will & Grace finally went bye-bye after almost a decade or Louis-Dreyfus because of what I just said.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

• Frances Conroy for Six Feet Under
• Geena Davis for Commander in Chief
• Mariska Hargitay for Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
• Allison Janney for The West Wing
• Kyra Sedgwick for The Closer
• I pick either Mariska Hargitay (she has a slight edge) or Kyra Sedgwick because both of my girls kick major butt on the crime beat.
• They’ll probably pick Frances Conroy or Allison Janney because long-running, popular canceled series make them all misty-eyed and whatnot.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

• Gillian Anderson for Bleak House
• Kathy Bates for Ambulance Girl
• Annette Bening for Mrs. Harris
• Judy Davis for A Little Thing Called Murder
• Helen Mirren for Elizabeth I
• I pick Anderson or Mirren because I enjoyed their performances more than those of the other nominees (also see my comments under Outstanding Miniseries).
• They’ll probably pick one of the other three because I didn’t.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

• Will Arnett for Arrested Development
• Bryan Cranston for Malcolm in the Middle
• Jon Cryer for Two and a Half Men
• Sean Hayes for Will & Grace
• Jeremy Piven for Entourage
• I pick Jon Cryer because he cracks … me … up in Two and a Half Men.
• They’ll likely pick Jeremy Piven because he cracks them—and everyone else who watches it—up in Entourage.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

• Alan Alda for The West Wing
• Michael Imperioli for The Sopranos
• Gregory Itzin for 24
• Oliver Platt for Huff
• William Shatner for Boston Legal
• I pick no one for this one because, oddly enough, I really don’t care who wins.
• They’ll probably pick Alan Alda, if not William Shatner, to give a nod to another dinosaur of the acting set who graced the small screen during the nominating season.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

• Robert Carlyle for Human Trafficking
• Clifton Collins Jr. for Thief
• Hugh Dancy for Elizabeth I
• Jeremy Irons for Elizabeth I
• Denis Lawson for Bleak House
• Oh, my—is this the year of the Brits or what (Carlyle and Lawson are Scottish, while Dancy and Irons are English)? I pick Robert Carlyle because he’s one of my all-time favorite actors. Plus, Human Trafficking was unexpectedly all right and schmaltz-free, especially for a Lifetime original telefilm.
• They’ll probably pick Jeremy Irons or Hugh Dancy because Elizabeth I rocked (so to speak).

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

• Cheryl Hines for Curb Your Enthusiasm
• Megan Mullally for Will & Grace
• Elizabeth Perkins for Weeds
• Jaime Pressly for My Name Is Earl
• Alfre Woodard for Desperate Housewives
• Alfre Woodard was in Desperate Housewives last season? Oh, yeah, right—for all of two or three scenes.… Anyway, this category is a no-brainer: I pick Jaime Pressly because nobody could bring Joy to the world like she does in My Name Is Earl.
• They’ll pick Pressly, too, if they have any sense.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

• Candice Bergen for Boston Legal
• Blythe Danner for Huff
• Sandra Oh for Grey’s Anatomy
• Jean Smart for 24
• Chandra Wilson for Grey’s Anatomy
• Now, come on—do I really need to write it out? I pick Chandra Wilson because Grey’s Anatomy would definitely not be the same without her larger-than-life presence (girlfriend steals every scene she’s in, no matter how brief).
• They’ll probably pick Wilson, or Sandra Oh, if they know what’s good for their reputation, especially after all of this year’s nominating glitches and oversights.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

• Ellen Burstyn for Mrs. Harris
• Shirley Jones for Hidden Places
• Cloris Leachman for Mrs. Harris
• Kelly Macdonald for The Girl in the Café
• Alfre Woodard for The Water Is Wide
• I pick Woodard since she certainly ain’t gonna win for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series.
• They’ll probably pick Ellen Burstyn for fourteen seconds of 2006-Emmy infamy. ;-) Just teasing. Actually, they’ll probably pick Woodard, like me, because it would be kind of hard to justify her being nominated in two different categories, yet walking away with zip.

Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series

• The Colbert Report
• The Daily Show
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien
• Late Show with David Letterman
• Real Time with Bill Maher
• Ha! No Leno? Well, I don’t care who wins, then, since the one I definitely wouldn’t want to isn’t here.
• They’ll probably pick The Colbert Report or The Daily Show because Daily Show affiliates and alumni are all the rage nowadays.

Outstanding Reality Competition Program

• The Amazing Race
• American Idol: The Search for a Superstar
• Dancing with the Stars
• Project Runway
• Survivor
• I pick Project Runway because Heidi Klum and company are so very in.
• They’ll likely pick one of the other four because they probably don’t even know where to find basic cable’s Bravo on the dial.

The 58th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards airs live Sunday, August 27 at 8pm EST on NBC

Emmy photo courtesy of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences